You know, there are a lot of things that are just unkind or not so considerate..  Sometimes they are such unexpected things to do that you almost have to wonder if somebody did them specifically to spite you.  But in the end I think its best to just ignore them completely.  Whether they just didn't care or just actually chose that action, I think the best way to counter it is to just ignore it.

I should really update some more later...  Lately I just don't know whats worth updating about haha XD

Well, I hit 99 today on my character on Ragnarok, it was pretty epic.  Been playin this mmorpg for years off and on, but its been good times =]

( Check it out =] )


yeah, it was pretty sweet =]

I am an idiot.

Yep.  I know.

Dug my own grave?  yep.  Asked for it? yep.  Had it coming? yep.  Knew it would come? yep. Knew there was no hope for a happy ending? yep.  Did it anyways? yep.

I am an idiot.

You know, I realized tonight when I was watching the meteor shower that I got what I had wished for repeatedly for years.  I use to always make wishes on stars for two things.  One was for myself, and the other was for other people who were important to me, an encompassing wish.  For the longest time though I decided wishing was useless and there was no point, so I didn't.  What I wished for myself though, was to be able to love somebody again, and to be able to give all my effort to it, a great love.  Yep, I got this.

Now, on the outside, that sounds great and all.  However, this is not what I intended, or wanted.  I didn't want to feel terrible all the time, or have my self-esteem take such a huge blow, or to be neglected, brushed aside, casted away, and so on.  Now I've learned that if you're going to bother wishing for something, you should Be Specific.  (Not that i'm implying that wishing gets anywhere) Be specific because if you don't, you sound selfish for asking more than you originally wished for.  Things are never fair, you know?  This is the sort of kick to the hamstrings that life likes to do to you.  Knocks you on your knees, hands in the air, face looking up to the sky in surprise and defeat, wondering what exactly happened.

How can I describe what this feels like... Anguish is a pretty good word for it.  Though at this moment none of this shows on my face.  I'm carrying a blank look today, my face looks ghostly.  Just no energy right now to contort my face into such ugly painful looks.  Oh but the energy will find me, this is certain.  Today is just more lucky.  Plus, Slava and Lenou were here, they can tell somethings wrong with me, though I cheered up quick.  I do like their company so much, I appreciated them stopping by.

I feel like in all this time, this last year, I've been woo-ed and relaxed into lying back and having my soul wrenched out of my body by said important person to watch him drag it off and me crawl willingly behind.

But this time, I knew what I was doing, and I knew nothing would come of it.  But I think this time had to happen, because of what I'm going to do next.  The ending the first time around wasn't sufficient.  This time will be.  My plan is to end this forever.  It will take much time I'm sure, but I must.  I knew last month when I stuck my nose in this again, that when it ended... it would be final.  When he comes to me in person to tell me what he needs to say, I will tell him that this is the last day we are ever going to be speaking.  We should have let it happen years ago when it was needed, but we hung on to something dead and dying.  Now that every part of our relationship is wrecked and broken, it's time to let go.  This ship has sunk, and I hung on to the very end.  Past memories aren't enough to hang onto anymore, because they are simply not worth it.  Friendship is just not an option.  Frankly, to be honest, I don't want to see him anymore, I don't want to hear what he's up to, I don't want to hear his voice, I don't want to know what ever became of him.  It is these things that keep fucking with me.  If I don't end this, I will never be at peace.  I will just hurt and be angry.  I have to cut him out.  I've been thinking about this for a long long time now.  I told myself, if he does it, if he tells you that you and him can't work like your gut says, cut him out.

My gut feeling is always right.

And I am feeling angry.  I am feeling a hatred.  If I allow myself to think on it, I feel many hateful things towards him.  I want to yell and scream at him, I want to throw objects, I want to tell him that he's a coward, and that I hate him for his trickery and false words and failures.  I want to tell him that if love is a "real love" as he said, you don't give up.  You don't "want something different".  I want to tell him that I think he is a lazy pot head that will amount to nothing.  And part of me believes that last part.  There is truly nothing in him that resembles the image I'm clinging to.  The person I think of is the one who was sure of himself, so sure that he had enough of it to ensure me of things.  The person who put effort to trying to understand me always.  The person I could count on.  The person who had big dreams, but no matter what, included me in them all.  The one and only person I ever really believed in, even to a point where I actually felt frightened sometimes.  So strong, and cared about the things I care about.  The only person whose words I took seriously and believed.

But in the end?  The only proof of that person existing that I actually have is all in words.  In the end, I've always known, words are useless.  Words mean nothing obviously.  I mean, if I hadn't believed them all, I wouldn't be in this position today.  I've been poisoned, really.  I feel jipped, actually.  I had no idea that being with him would turn out to be a bad thing.  In the end, it's the actions that mean something.  In the end, the old mothers rules got me, "Actions speak louder than words."  All I had were words though, never hung out in person with him until recent years, mostly msn chats since we had no classes together.  Maybe he aspired to be that sort of person, I have no idea.  Maybe I pulled that person out of my ass.  Don't know where I got those ideas from, but I've learned that they are clearly untrue.  Reality is always so painful.  What I've been doing in this last year is just believing that part of that person still exists, that its just buried in there somewhere.  But you know, I really don't believe that anymore.  If it was true, then the person I care about doesn't give two shits about me, because I've still been casted out on my ass.

Still the truth remains that I care.  I don't want to be spiteful and try to hurt him.  My whole self is conflicted about how I actually feel towards him right now.  My self hasn't decided on a "truth" to this.  By ending things with him permanently, my intent is not to hurt him, though I am sure it will come as a surprise.  I just want to get better, I don't want to feel this anymore.  All I can think these days is, "This is just not fair"




But what I am really wondering is....  How many times can I bear getting my face smashed into the dirt before I've had enough?

When does it end?

I will never settle for less again (I don't mean that he is less,  I mean rather, a situation that doesn't look advantageous to myself), because less means pain, crawling, and anguish.  And the pathetic look doesn't suit me.  No really.

This is just not fair. I am so angry.  I am so sad.  This isn't what I wanted at all.  I wanted a happy ending, I wanted to not have to look anymore, I wanted to finally be able to rest.  Hah.. I Remember in 9th grade thinking to myself "oh no.. I need to get away from him, I have this feeling of dread that I will get stuck with him"  At the time I thought that meant I'd end up loving him and we'd be together forever (doesn't sound so bad now eh?).  Now it is apparent that stuck with him was meant more one sided.  I suppose that explains why I felt such a huge Dread about it.  I mean wow, why the hell would a lifetime of love make me feel dread?  Why do my gut feelings always turn out right.  I wish i'd have understood the message better so I could have gotten away when it was possible.

Sigh...

I really don't like doing things that don't have a point.  I see no future in what I am doing right now, therefore there isn't a reason to be doing it, or so my mind has seemed to settle on this thought.  Before, to justify what I was doing, I explained that I was merely taking what I could from this relationship, and I was prepared to run with it, as I knew then it had no future.  But I woke up this morning thinking, what the fuck am I doing?

Seriously?

Yesterday morning surprisingly, I felt the same way.  It's funny because every morning before, typically my first thoughts were different.  Normally, loving thoughts would enter my head, pleasant thoughts.  But now these past few mornings I have been feeling a sort of emptiness.  A familiar emptiness.  A frustration, angering, saddening, hopelessness.  Gradually I become better throughout the day, but I feel like I am just ignoring the inevitable, you know?  This is going to blow up in my face very soon.  I know this, and yet I am still doing it.  That my friends, is the mark of a stupid woman.

I've become what I swore I wouldn't.

Sometimes I look at Phil, and I think, he definitely sees this in me now.  The foolish, naivete woman that I become sometimes.  Still, I get the feeling he has feelings for me.  Still, I must ignore them, and I am sure he notices by now that this cannot be a winning situation for him.  It makes me feel silly knowing that it's showing, and I can't hide it.

Really?  What should I do?  I still feeling like continuing this and stealing what I can from it.  Something to remember forever.  At the same time, I'm thinking, I need to address this immediately with him.  But I am at a loss for words when I see him.  I cannot speak the words because there is definitely a huge part of me that will suffer greatly from having decided to forget this, to move on from this.  My entire heart will suffer this.  Again.  My mind is telling me this is a necessary thing to do.  I know I have to.

He asked me a while back to wait for him.  He says every now again, someday I'll be better for you.  I told him that I don't intend to wait.  I cannot wait because what do I do until then?  He answers me, do what you want to do.  I tell him, what I wanted was you, and you told me I can't have that.  I am not the kind of person who can keep someone in the back of my mind and fuck around with others.  I am a one guy kind of girl, really.  I don't have wavering feelings once I have settled on someone.  No other male seems to have any effect at all.  If I waited, I would seriously just wait there.  By the time he was "better", I would be so fucked up, a complete basket case.  I can't just fool around emotionlessly like he can.  I hate that he can do that, I really do.  It makes me very sad.

As a side note.  Say I was different, and I could just mess around and be so called "free" as he intended when he said "do what you want to do".  Could he seriously be totally okay with that?  Just be like, okay yeah, shes got this new boyfriend now, and I am totally indifferent to it.  I really don't believe he could.

Plus?  What are we doing now?  We both know this has to end.   He is going to go to college and do all the things that hurt me, and he's going to enjoy doing it, and he is going to put me completely aside.  Of course, some would say, "well he still cares for you, isn't that enough? When he comes back, he will still want to be with you, so he really wants you in the end."  To me, that's not what that means.  To me, that means, "I am going to go fool around with other women and have a good time, I am going to put your feelings aside, and do all the things I want to do, knowing you are there waiting for me to come back.  Knowing that despite it all, you will take me still when I am ready to settle down."  This simply doesn't work for me.  Thinking of it this way, I will be such a wreck by that time.  I know if I let myself, I might just wait too.  I cannot allow this to happen to me.  I have a feeling that this is the type of thing that mind fucks personalities for a lifetime.

But all this talk about the future, that is not the only issue.  I have gaping holes in me the size of Nebraska from things that have happened in the past that I have still not come to terms with.  I am not entirely sure I have the capacity to forgive these things.  It's not as if I'm angry at him as a result, either.  It's just that some of these things are like taboo topics to me.  Torture.  I can speak of them to people who already know what happened by mentioning only, "well you know the events of last summer, ---" for one example.  But if you asked me to retell it, I couldn't do it.  I can hardly speak of it.  It brings back a pain so strong.  I'm not entirely ignoring it either, for the longest time, I've remembered and known it was there.  But I can't seem to come to terms with it.  It's like this completely infected wound still.  I'm wondering if its because I don't have answers to questions I had at that time, and now it is too late for honesty.  I really think that the time to be honest is right at the time of the issue.  The truth is warped by time.  Therefore I think that any explanation I might receive now would be hollow or false.  Honestly, I can't cope with it.  Still the only idea I have to fixing it is to get some answers. 

The other night at his house he said to me, "Am I good enough for you?"  This confirmed a belief I had recently.  I was thinking that might be what happened.  He said "Why do you think I broke up with you?" (I really hate these cliche wordings).  So it was because of this, apparently.  When I am with him, usually I am happy to be with him and so my heart takes his words seriously.  But after, my mind will analyze them.  After analyzing the words now, I think to myself--when you broke up with me, you gave no explanation and left it up to interpretation.  You agreed with my questioning that I wasn't right for you, and furthermore, you agreed that the female from last summer was your type.  When he agreed to that, it destroyed me.  I was engulfed by all the bad thoughts and assumptions I had made in the back of my mind that finally became a reality to me.  That the whole time when I felt terrible about myself, felt less than worthy, hurt daily.  I felt that way for almost an entire year, and those feelings became real.  My worst nightmare.  And then he tells me that it was he who felt unworthy.  Now, it is obvious to see that an explanation would have been a spectacular addition to that breakup, if that is really the truth.  Why would you let someone you care about feel that way when you could prevent it by telling the truth, if infact it was the truth?  That is something I doubt I can ever understand.  It just seems so entirely wrong to me.  To be honest, I do not forgive him for allowing me to think those terrible things if they were not really the truth.

It is because of situations like that, that I always feel like explaining myself 100% to people I care about even if it makes no fucking sense to them.

My mind does not want you to win, my dear.

I had this very influential dream last night.  I was trying to help him find something in this shopping complex.  We were holding hands looking.  We got into this general store and they didn't have it, but we did grab some other stuff, items that I can't recall.  So we're walking hand and hand still to the exit, only it wasn't the exit, and I said to him, hey I don't think this is the exit.  And he said Yeah, or something.  We kept walking though.  Suddenly somehow it became apparent that we needed to get out.  I recall walking down a hallway, only every room was my room, and in every single room, the window was on fire, just the window.  And we needed to get out, but all windows were burning.  So we go into one of my rooms and this shadow of a girl is there in the window (the shades are shut but the curtain is open, so its like shes outside) And she says to us, "Come on, you guys can get out this way."  And we were like Uhh, we can't the window is on fire, and I could feel the hot heat coming from it.  Then she assured us "No, really, its okay, you guys can get through, let me come and help you."  She came in, only she was just an outline, a shadow type thing, a ghost kind of thing?  This wasn't scary to me at all, I was just like eh okay.  And she's like "Okay, we have to hurry, come on, before she wakes up... she is coming back very soon."  And she looks all shifty and uncomfortable.  I was like eh..?  It was like, we need to just get out of that window before this "she" comes out.  I acknowledged it in the dream as split personalities of the outlined girl, either before or after it actually happened.  Only, it was obvious that the window was on fire, and I could see no way at all that was could get past it.  All of a sudden this "she" woke up, and it was the girls alternate personality, or this is how i acknowledged it.  She pushes me down and begins strangling me and I am not at all afraid, but I turn to my right to see if Hunter (the he in the story) can help me get away, only he has gone, and I acknowledged that he is not there anymore with me and will not save me, and so I allowed the girl to continue strangling me.  I didn't feel any sensation or die from being strangled either, oddly.  Now that I look at it, I felt like she was merging with me.  I don't know if thats how I felt in the dream or not though.

I looked up in this dream thing what certain things meant, like disappear, window, fire, strangle meant.

Disappearing could mean that I feel a loved one or important one may disappear out of my life or that I feel I cannot depend on someone.  That I may feel alone or inadequate.  To see windows is like vast possibilities, or to see shut windows could be abandonment or desertion.   I am thinking that it's some type of trial, obstacle I need to get through, something difficult.  For fire, apparently if its contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation.  It also represents your drive and motivation.  Being strangled apparently denotes that I am repressing or denying a vital aspect of my "expression."  I suppose this makes sense.

I feel like that girl was actually me, perhaps this is why I wasn't afraid.  I felt like one side was the kind, thoughtful, and most of all caring, girl.  But the other side that took over was the person I was for a while back in the day.  The cold, indifferent, stoic one.  In my mind I always felt like the person I use to be a long time ago, and that has re-awoken, was chained up, repressed.  And that the stoic person in me took over to keep myself safe.  Sometimes I feel a little nervous that it will come back.  And sometimes I'm not sure I'm entirely opposed to the idea.  But if thats the case, when I noticed and accepted that he wasn't here for me, to save me, I allowed myself to be strangled.  I always thought it'd be something like that.  After all, he is the reason I woke up.  It was a fight between both sides.  To keep him in my life, I had to wake up, and it was painful, and it still is painful.

But it was just a dream.  I wonder if perhaps we can get through the obstacle, such events can be prevented.

Still dude?  Burning window?  How the fuck am I supposed to pull that off without getting my ass scorched and permanently fucked.  Probably means if we do get through the obstacle together, I'll be fucked up.  I thought as much.



Being human is exhausting.

Man it has come to my attention (no, I realized a long time ago) that I can't seem to talk about cheerful things because none of it seems to be worth noting.  It's like okay, let's write about something positive!  And anything I come up with just doesn't seem interesting at all, and then my mind goes, well what about that gay nonsense that just happened.  It's like... if it's terrible, its worth mentioning, or something.

Uh well... I feel like I'm at a better time in my life.  Schools almost out, and that will be cool...  I'm going to try not to whine about that guy, really I just miss the person I thought he was for the last 5 years (I think this is a reasonable concern, to be so mistaken and upset about that fact) and now I know that he's nonsense.  Really, I've moved toward frustration and annoyance with the situation, rather than pathetic and constant whining, but you know these things change so whatever.

The sun is finally coming out in good old Washington.  But you know I was thinking, Twilight really gives Washington a bad wrap.  It is not all that gray here man.  Alright so I haven't been to Forks, but seriously, I'm right in the mid-west, I'm pretty sure it's not as bad as Stephanie Meyer says it is.  The weather is however, unpredictable.  Some days it's like BAM let's be 80 degrees!  Then no lie, the next day will be like 50 degrees and poring down rain.  And yes it does rain a lot.  But still, it is sunny in the summer time, and it doesn't get too hot.  Though the last few years have been pushin it... freakin 90 degree weather my ass, this ain't callifornia, let's knock that shit off.

Oddly enough, yesterday I was laughing because Stephanie Meyer was like, "people actually dream about Twilight."  And I was thinkin hmm, I don't think I'd go that far.  I read that right before bed, and sure enough, I had dreams about Twilight.  But rather than the story itself, I had dreams about the book.  It was absolutely ridiculous.  My Philosophy teacher, mad-man existentialist, totally awesome, taught a class that was a FANCLUB for Twilight.  And I didn't know what the class was but I took it.  I woke up thinking, What the fuck?

I need to get my hair re-dyed.  A lot.  I hate this inbetween brown that it is, I want it to be daaaark brown again :P  I feel like going back to blonde simply because this is getting troublesome.  But I can't even decide which I like better on myself, plus it sounds troublesome going back to blonde too.  (This is such a gay thing to complain about, but seriously, I see red tones in my hair and I can't stand it)

My birthdays coming up, my mom always asks me, what do you want what do you want!?!  And I usually don't really care.  But this year I asked for a camera, just because I think it'd be cool /shrug

So I want to blame my emotional instability lately on PMS.  I hope that's why.  I swear I'm like freakin bi polar these past few days.

My friends, Phillip, Slava, Lenou, and Kellie, all came over last night, so that was cool.  We hung out and chatted like usual, played video games, watched a movie, ate some food.  Good times, good times.

I really really need school to be over... I can't concentrate on that crap anymore.

On another note, my World of Warcraft character kicks ass, I think i'm going to start playing again some more.

Little by little I am coming to know that there are just some things I will never understand.  Time and time again, I find that the things I am most sure of, the things that I thought were most true, often times are most likely to turn out untrue.  How is it someone like me who takes weeks, months, years even, to decide something and to determine whether it makes sense or not, can be so horribly wrong about the things I am making decisions on.  You would think after taking so much time and care to determine something, I must have gotten it right.  Even now that I know I was wrong, I can't let it go because of how right I thought I was.  No matter how much I wish I could let it go, it wont go away because of how right I thought I was.  I just can't understand how I could make such a huge error.

"It is not when truth is dirty, but when it is shallow, that the lover of knowledge is reluctant to step into its waters."

Always I have been a person who can accept the truth, no matter how bad.  I always want the truth.  Even now I want the truth.  But this particular truth...  How can I accept something so terrible, so shallow?  I can't... simply that.  I feel like I don't even have a choice whether to or not to.

Due to thursdays little outing and playing delivery girl, I find that once again, everything I keep running from caught up to me again.  Running from things is not in my nature, I always face the important problems that present themselves to me, but I cannot face this.  It just can't be true, and if it is, I cannot understand at all.  If this is the truth, if I am to accept this, I need an explanation.  A very long and detailed explanation.   Somehow I don't think I will be getting one.

I would have thought I would at least deserve the decency to have things cleared up for me so I wouldn't have to face this confusion.

So me and Emily baked the cake today.  The bottom layer is vanilla and the top is chocolate and vanilla marble (all swirled and shit).  Gonna make the frosting tomorrow and put chocolate shavings and filling in the center.  It should turn out pretty good.

I messaged Hunter to ask him if he had plans and that I wished to bring him something, he's free tomorrow afternoon after all.  So I think I'm going to say something like... "It seemed like life was really stressful for you lately... so after some thought, I felt inclined to make you some cake" XD or something to that extent.  I really don't want to bring up the death of his friend or anything per say, plus finals and all that is coming up for him, so I think that I can say that and cover everything simply.  It will be interesting, that's for sure.

So, on another note, at work today these guys came in.  It's buy 2 get one free on all used video games at gamestop this week.  Cheapest one free (that's how they get you)  So they brought up 4 games, two 17.99, one 4.99, and one 2.99 and I was like ehh.. you should do two separate transactions, have your friend do one.  Grab another 17.99 game so you can get that one free with the other two, and a cheapy for the other cheap ones.  If that makes any sense at all... Anyway, I was helping them out being friendly and shit, giving change, and there was a 2 dollar bill in my till!  I was like duuude I havent seen one of these in so long, and they were like whoa hell yeah, can i get that in change?  And so I gave it to the guy for his change, and said goodbye.  He came in like 10 minutes later and walked up to me and said 'I found a better use for this 2 dollar bill' handed it to me, and it had his phone number in permanent marker on it.  And man I gotta say, I usually don't like it when people give me their number and shit, but that was actually pretty creative, I gotta hand it to the guy, that was awesome.  I'm not going to call anyways, it's not my thing, I feel awkward calling dudes I don't know, I think that's pretty reasonable.  Hahaha

Well, hopefully tomorrow goes okay.  It's unnerving to see him for me sometimes.  But this isn't about me, it's about him, and for that reason, it'll probably go well.  I'm good at acting on what's more necessary

Goodnight!

My Personality

Neuroticism	47
Extraversion	26
Openness to Experience	83
Agreeableness	39
Conscientiousness	66

You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best Buying Pet Gifts.

Snagged from keysotosoto129 =) Interestingggg

Egh I am so conflicted right now.  I was thinking, I would go to Hunters dorm and bring him some cake (I like to make cake).  His female friend from middle school and high school (dunno how close, seemed kinda like it though) died two days ago.  Just messaging him saying "I'm sorry" seems to empty, and he closes off to me every time.  Such a guy, such a box.  So... I thought... how about cake.  I don't know, if I was feeling bad, and someone made me a cake, I think I would be happy.  It's really.. thoughtful, isn't it?  I mean I can't go up and say, I'm here if you ever want to talk.  He has way too much pride, you know?  So... cake?  you know?  With our relationship right now, I have to remember that for the last year I was pushing for friends, and he was pushing for dating, and it ended up after all this time as dating.  Just because shit happened and I am upset and the whole thing ended and turned into a mess, I don't think I should  be petty.  As a friend, I should so something...  But since we are on rocky terms, I probably can't reach him, and I really don't feel like it's any of my business to be asking about it, and after knowing him all this time, I firmly think he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it.  This being said, bringing him a cake sounds like a good idea.  Right...?