I admit defeat.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:47:06 GMT

I am an idiot.

Yep. I know.

Dug my own grave? yep. Asked for it? yep. Had it coming? yep. Knew it would come? yep. Knew there was no hope for a happy ending? yep. Did it anyways? yep.

I am an idiot.

You know, I realized tonight when I was watching the meteor shower that I got what I had wished for repeatedly for years. I use to always make wishes on stars for two things. One was for myself, and the other was for other people who were important to me, an encompassing wish. For the longest time though I decided wishing was useless and there was no point, so I didn't. What I wished for myself though, was to be able to love somebody again, and to be able to give all my effort to it, a great love. Yep, I got this.

Now, on the outside, that sounds great and all. However, this is not what I intended, or wanted. I didn't want to feel terrible all the time, or have my self-esteem take such a huge blow, or to be neglected, brushed aside, casted away, and so on. Now I've learned that if you're going to bother wishing for something, you should Be Specific. (Not that i'm implying that wishing gets anywhere) Be specific because if you don't, you sound selfish for asking more than you originally wished for. Things are never fair, you know? This is the sort of kick to the hamstrings that life likes to do to you. Knocks you on your knees, hands in the air, face looking up to the sky in surprise and defeat, wondering what exactly happened.

How can I describe what this feels like... Anguish is a pretty good word for it. Though at this moment none of this shows on my face. I'm carrying a blank look today, my face looks ghostly. Just no energy right now to contort my face into such ugly painful looks. Oh but the energy will find me, this is certain. Today is just more lucky. Plus, Slava and Lenou were here, they can tell somethings wrong with me, though I cheered up quick. I do like their company so much, I appreciated them stopping by.

I feel like in all this time, this last year, I've been woo-ed and relaxed into lying back and having my soul wrenched out of my body by said important person to watch him drag it off and me crawl willingly behind.

But this time, I knew what I was doing, and I knew nothing would come of it. But I think this time had to happen, because of what I'm going to do next. The ending the first time around wasn't sufficient. This time will be. My plan is to end this forever. It will take much time I'm sure, but I must. I knew last month when I stuck my nose in this again, that when it ended... it would be final. When he comes to me in person to tell me what he needs to say, I will tell him that this is the last day we are ever going to be speaking. We should have let it happen years ago when it was needed, but we hung on to something dead and dying. Now that every part of our relationship is wrecked and broken, it's time to let go. This ship has sunk, and I hung on to the very end. Past memories aren't enough to hang onto anymore, because they are simply not worth it. Friendship is just not an option. Frankly, to be honest, I don't want to see him anymore, I don't want to hear what he's up to, I don't want to hear his voice, I don't want to know what ever became of him. It is these things that keep fucking with me. If I don't end this, I will never be at peace. I will just hurt and be angry. I have to cut him out. I've been thinking about this for a long long time now. I told myself, if he does it, if he tells you that you and him can't work like your gut says, cut him out.

My gut feeling is always right.

And I am feeling angry. I am feeling a hatred. If I allow myself to think on it, I feel many hateful things towards him. I want to yell and scream at him, I want to throw objects, I want to tell him that he's a coward, and that I hate him for his trickery and false words and failures. I want to tell him that if love is a "real love" as he said, you don't give up. You don't "want something different". I want to tell him that I think he is a lazy pot head that will amount to nothing. And part of me believes that last part. There is truly nothing in him that resembles the image I'm clinging to. The person I think of is the one who was sure of himself, so sure that he had enough of it to ensure me of things. The person who put effort to trying to understand me always. The person I could count on. The person who had big dreams, but no matter what, included me in them all. The one and only person I ever really believed in, even to a point where I actually felt frightened sometimes. So strong, and cared about the things I care about. The only person whose words I took seriously and believed.

But in the end? The only proof of that person existing that I actually have is all in words. In the end, I've always known, words are useless. Words mean nothing obviously. I mean, if I hadn't believed them all, I wouldn't be in this position today. I've been poisoned, really. I feel jipped, actually. I had no idea that being with him would turn out to be a bad thing. In the end, it's the actions that mean something. In the end, the old mothers rules got me, "Actions speak louder than words." All I had were words though, never hung out in person with him until recent years, mostly msn chats since we had no classes together. Maybe he aspired to be that sort of person, I have no idea. Maybe I pulled that person out of my ass. Don't know where I got those ideas from, but I've learned that they are clearly untrue. Reality is always so painful. What I've been doing in this last year is just believing that part of that person still exists, that its just buried in there somewhere. But you know, I really don't believe that anymore. If it was true, then the person I care about doesn't give two shits about me, because I've still been casted out on my ass.

Still the truth remains that I care. I don't want to be spiteful and try to hurt him. My whole self is conflicted about how I actually feel towards him right now. My self hasn't decided on a "truth" to this. By ending things with him permanently, my intent is not to hurt him, though I am sure it will come as a surprise. I just want to get better, I don't want to feel this anymore. All I can think these days is, "This is just not fair"

But what I am really wondering is.... How many times can I bear getting my face smashed into the dirt before I've had enough?

When does it end?

I will never settle for less again (I don't mean that he is less, I mean rather, a situation that doesn't look advantageous to myself), because less means pain, crawling, and anguish. And the pathetic look doesn't suit me. No really.

This is just not fair. I am so angry. I am so sad. This isn't what I wanted at all. I wanted a happy ending, I wanted to not have to look anymore, I wanted to finally be able to rest. Hah.. I Remember in 9th grade thinking to myself "oh no.. I need to get away from him, I have this feeling of dread that I will get stuck with him" At the time I thought that meant I'd end up loving him and we'd be together forever (doesn't sound so bad now eh?). Now it is apparent that stuck with him was meant more one sided. I suppose that explains why I felt such a huge Dread about it. I mean wow, why the hell would a lifetime of love make me feel dread? Why do my gut feelings always turn out right. I wish i'd have understood the message better so I could have gotten away when it was possible.

Starting over

I admit defeat.